by Chip Ingram

I’ve come across a revolutionary truth in my life: Everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to themselves.

Now that doesn’t mean that they behave in a way that makes sense to me. But if we understand that they behave in a way that makes sense to them, we’ll go a long way toward understanding a human being’s desperate search for love.

There are a lot of theories out there that try to explain why people behave the way they do. Freud said our behavior is determined by primal drives. Adler disagreed, saying our life really revolves around self-esteem. Goldberg said it’s all about stages of moral development. Maslow thought our behavior fit a certain hierarchy of needs on the road to self-actualization. Skinner argued that it has more to do with stimulus responses.

But there’s one thing everyone agrees on: We all want to be a “somebody” in the eyes of someone who loves us.

That’s true, isn’t it? We all want significance. It’s one of our most basic drives. We need to feel important and loved, at least by someone. And because deep down we feel unworthy—a result of the Fall and our lifelong sinfulness—we develop elaborate strategies to get people to love us.

We all have different strategies. That’s why when someone’s behavior doesn’t make sense to us, we can assume it makes sense to them. Some people are jokesters, some are loud and aggressive, some are perpetual victims, and some are people-pleasing performers. And along the way, nearly everyone has forsaken common sense and good judgment. Though our strategies differ, our purpose is universal: We long for acceptance.

The problem is that our love-seeking gymnastics often take us outside of God’s boundaries. The guilt, shame, denial, and lies that result always accomplish the opposite result from what we wanted. We feel even more unworthy than before.

The Big Question
Here’s the question I want us to consider: Knowing that we’ve violated God’s boundaries in our desperate attempt to get people to love us—whether it has been in a contrived personality or slavish performance—how is God going to respond? When we’ve missed the mark—and we all have—what “God” will we encounter?

Are we going to be greeted by a God who folds His arms and sternly reminds us that we’ll pay for our senselessness? Are we going to see the backside of God as He walks away from us in disgust? Is our craving for acceptance going to result in our ultimate rejection?

In Luke 15, Jesus addressed this very issue in three quick snapshots designed to reveal how God’s heart responds to irreligious, immoral lawbreakers—people like us who were desperate for significance and sought it in all the wrong places.

A lot of sinners were gathering around Jesus. So were the Pharisees and teachers of the law. Both groups had internal problems; the Pharisees covered it up well, but the sinners had given up. Jesus wanted both groups to know what God thinks when people have blown it.

Lost and Found
The first parable (vv. 4-7) is about lost sheep. In an agricultural society, everyone understood the pitfalls of the shepherding profession. If you lost a sheep, you’d be responsible for it. Your reputation as a shepherd was on the line, and so were the financial accounts of the sheep-owner.

So if you lost a sheep, diligently sought to find it, and then found it and brought it back into the fold, you’d celebrate. That was worthy of a party.

The second parable (vv. 8-10) is about a woman who lost a silver coin. That coin would have been worth a day’s wage. Sometimes 10 of them would be made into a headband for the woman’s dowry. It would be precious and sentimental, either as the means for tomorrow’s food or as a tenth of the dowry. If it were lost, there would be an intensive search. And if it were found, there would be a celebration.

But the best-known parable in this chapter is about a son who, against all social protocol and respect, took off with his portion of his father’s wealth and wasted it on reckless living. He did what every young man’s heart tempts him to do. He said, “I’m going to be fulfilled, I’m going to take what’s mine, and I’m going to get what I want to be happy and important.” He fell for the false promises of momentary pleasure. He acted in really senseless ways to find significance—and it all made sense to him.

His reckless living leads where reckless living always leads: to desperate need. After spending all he had, a famine struck the country, and the son got hungry. In order to survive, he hired himself out to feed pigs—the ultimate humiliation for a Jew. And he would have eaten even the pigs’ food, if he could. But no one gave him anything. He was completely bankrupt.

As everyone does after a desperate search for fulfillment has proven foolish, the son reflected on his circumstances. And he came up with a plan: He would return to his father and own up to his own bankruptcy. It didn’t matter that he could no longer be considered a son. Even being his father’s hired help would be better than where he was. He planned to go back, tell his father he’d blown it, and accept what he deserved.

The arm-crossed Pharisees listening to Jesus were set up for the punch line, and Jesus delivered it. The father saw his son from a distance, was filled with compassion, and ran to him. He threw his arms around the son and kissed him.

Do you see how loaded that picture is? The son tried to lay out his plan, and the father interrupted him. He wouldn’t let the repentant son work for his salvation. Instead, the father honored his son with a prestigious robe, a ring representing family authority, and . . . a party. A big one.

Honest to God
The answer for those who crave acceptance and will do anything to get it is that we don’t have to. The heart of God accepts people who have blown it. That’s how He responds when we’ve sought love in all the wrong places and done foolish things that make sense only to ourselves. We try to win the love of others, and after all our elaborate plans have failed and we come back to Him, God has a celebration. His acceptance was the only acceptance that mattered, and realizing that is reason for a party.

Do you see the pattern? Something valuable was lost, there was an intensive search, what was lost is found, and there’s a celebration. That’s how God will meet every single person who finds himself or herself unworthy of His love.

That’s not just a message for unbelievers, by the way. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been a Christian with a sterling record for 30 years. Somewhere along the way, you’ve probably hungered for love and crossed the boundaries in a foolish attempt to get it. And if you have, God has a remedy. Come to Him as a real, honest, repentant child, and ask Him to help. He will, because He always does. That’s the kind of God you will find every time.

About the author: Chip Ingram is President and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry in the USA.

Continuing from the previous month … part 1 here.

The Hollywood formula.

Let’s look at what Hollywood says makes a successful relationship. I’ve eliminated the lighting, the warm scenes, walking on the beach hand in hand, the slow-motion moments, and the rising and falling of background music. I’ve just cut to the chase. There are basically four steps, according to Hollywood, that lead to deep, intimate, sizzling relationships that will last forever:

Step 1: Find the right person.

That’s right. The key to love is finding that special person who was made just for you. She’s out there, you just have to find her. Drive around. Hang out. Be on the lookout. The moment will come. Do you remember the scene from the movie While You Were Sleeping when Sandra Bullock finds her “right one” when he steps up to her subway counter and asks for a train ticket? Then he gets knocked senseless and while she’s visiting him in the hospital she just happens to meet his brother who turns out to be her “real right one.” Do you get the picture? Whether it’s the movies and stars of today or the Clark Gables of the past, the message is always the same. Finding the right person just happens! It’s wild accidental and you’re helpless in the process. Eventually you’re going to meet the “right one.”

Step 2: Fall in love.

When you find that right person, something will snap and you’ll just know. No one knows how, but you’ll just know. A brief look or gesture may be enough. You may not know her name, or much about her, but you will know that you have fallen in love. In Sleepless in Seattle Tom Hanks just needs his little boy to get on the radio and tell the nation the sad story of his father’s life, and Meg Ryan soon knows she loves this man. When they finally meet, all it takes is one look and two strangers instantly fall in love. Is it the music? That ‘old magic called love’? Or just the script? In the movies you can fall in love with strangers and it’s the real thing. In the Hollywood formula love is based on chemistry, not knowledge or character. And love is all that matters. The only choice seems to be to take the next step.

Step 3: Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfilment.

In the movies love vetoes every other decision. Brides and grooms are regularly left at the altar, because their future mates have decided to run off with someone else with whom they are “really in love.” Once you fall in love, in the Hollywood version, every other promise you have made is null and void. You can’t be held to any previous commitment. The person with whom you “fall in love” will become the object of your life, your future, your dreams and your satisfaction. You have suddenly realized that he and he alone will make you complete. He will make you whole. Life will have meaning like it never has before (except for all the other times you’ve been in love.

This period of intense infatuation and supercharged emotions can last anywhere from six weeks to eighteen months. And when the feelings start to subside (and they always do), we’ve been brainwashed to conclude that our love is dying. The perfect partner turns out to have a flaw or two. Relational conflict begins to raise its ugly head. Dissatisfaction gradually erodes those once euphoric feelings. Disillusioned and discouraged, we begin to change our focus. As emotions wane and irritations arise, we start to blame our problems on the other person’s inability to measure up. Clichés abound to describe how we’ve “drifted apart” or are “falling out of love” or how good it once was, but it’s “just not the same anymore. We either chose the wrong person or we were right for each other for a season but that season has now passed. Our lack of love has nothing to do with us; it’s simply the result of discovering that we no longer have the right person in our life. And since this happens all too often, the Hollywood formula has a fourth step that has become the norm.

Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.

Step 3 usually leads to failure, eventually. When relational break-down occurs, the Hollywood formula offers a quick and supposedly painless solution. Step 4; go back to the beginning. This time maybe it will work. Just go on to the next partner, repeating steps 1 – 3. You see, here is the premise behind the Hollywood formula: The key to love is finding the right person.

If your current relationship isn’t working, if for some reason this person doesn’t fulfil all your dreams and desires, if you are not exhilarated, then you must have the wrong person. He may have seemed to be the right one at the start, but the fact that the feelings have faded means that he wasn’t actually the right person for you. Throw that one away and find a new one. When you do, repeat the same formula until you get it right.

Do you know how God feels when a marriage disintegrates? Do you know how God feels as kids are torn apart when moms and dads split? Do you know how God feels when He sees the pain, rejection and loneliness people experience following broken relationships? God weeps with compassion.

But God doesn’t simply stand idly by; He wants to help. He wants People to know that He has a better way and a better plan for them and their relationships. Far from the cookie-cutter formula of Hollywood that promises love and delivers pain, God has a prescription for love, sex and lasting relationships. God created a plan especially designed for us to enjoy the highest and best with the opposite sex. Hollywood’s formula is a poor Plan B. God has created a Plan A that really works.

So where are you in your love life? How much of Hollywood’s formula have you unconsciously bought into in your pursuit of love? Are you satisfied with the results of Hollywood’s formula, or are you ready for Plan A?

This is an excerpt from the course Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships, taught by Chip Ingram. This course is available on drive-time CD or DVD, accompanied by a workbook.

For more information on this course visit www.lifechangewarehouse.com

Like it or not, we live in a world where love, sex and relationships get top billing in the hearts and minds of nearly all of us. Advertisers figured out long ago that our preoccupation with emotional connectedness and sex provides a great way to sell merchandise. Whether it’s using sex to sell beer and cars during the half-time break in our favourite sport or showing scenes from loving relationships while they are trying to convince us to change long-distance carriers, the underlying message remains constant – the key to happiness and fulfilment in life is all about love, sex and lasting relationships.

How is your love life?

Let me ask you some questions.

- How is your love life?

- Where are you frustrated?

- What are you looking for but can’t find?

- What’s going well and what has you desperately confused?

Take a moment and think about these questions. Let down those defences that you’ve used to block the pain of your past or the frustrations of your present. Conduct a brief inventory of your relational world. Sometimes our most difficult struggle in a sensitive area like this comes when we try to really understand where we are in relation to others. Perhaps I can offer some help in your personal reflection.

A way of thinking about relationships has developed in our culture that, when examined, turns out to be incapable of producing the kind of relationships we’re seeking.

Where do we get our ideas about love?

I can certainly imagine a world in which children grow up surrounded by good examples of loving relationships. I can see mothers and fathers openly sharing affection, keeping love alive, and talking with their kids about every aspect of relationships. But did anything like that ever happen to you? Did your mom or dad ever sit down with you and say, “This is how to build a healthy relationship with the opposite sex’? Did wise and trusted adults ever tell you. “This is what sex is really all about’ beyond the physical details you got in a rushed explanation from a busy parent.

The answer for most of us is no. Most of us learned of love, sex and relationships through our culture. Our teachers, sadly, have been older teens who themselves came from dysfunctional homes. If that isn’t enough, the media has sold us a false bill of goods with regard to the entire notion of love, sex and relationships. After listening to thousands of songs and getting a daily dose of television, movies and romance novels, our hearts and minds have been filled with false ideas about what love, sex and relationships are all about.

Taken together, all these songs, TV programmes, movies and books have instilled in us a definite prescription about how love, sex and relationships are supposed to work. You and I have spent countless hours singing along with popular songs, following television programmes and anticipating the next sequel of our favourite movie hero. In the process we have become unconsciously convinced that if we follow a simple four-step approach to relationships, it will work out for us just like it works in the movies or like it says in the song

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean that all the writers of songs, movies and books got together to come up with a specific four-step approach. But I do mean hat if you analyse the songs, movies and books that fill our lives, you will see emerging from them a clear-cut and consistent set of assumptions about relationships. However, once we carefully examine this formula, we may decide it could be better described as “Hollywood’s formula for sex, love and losing relationships.” If you think I’m overstating the case, keep your own views of love and sex in mind as I give you an overview of Hollywood’s formula. Ask yourself if this formula doesn’t in fact promise that you can e deeply loved, have awesome sex and walk into the sunset with another person for life if you simply do what happens in the movies.

In the next edition of Postcards we will look at the Hollywood formula – how does it work – and does it even work?

This is an excerpt from the course Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships, taught by Chip Ingram. This course is available on drive-time CD or DVD, accompanied by a workbook.

For more information on this course visit www.LifeChangeWarehouse.co.za

First, there’s the model we’re all familiar with, the one that’s as old as Lawrence Olivier, as current as Ally McBeal. It’s Hollywood’s model.

Hollywood Says:

1. Find the right person

2. Fall in love

3. Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfilment

4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2, 3.

The premise of this formula is clear: if you fail, you must not have found the right person. Much like a bottle cap sweepstakes game, if you don’t win … sorry! Try again.

How well does it work? You and I both know the answer to that. The divorced population is the fastest growing marital category in the US, and the fallout is huge. The impact of fractured relationships on children, the anguish, the hurt, the emotional wounds, not to mention the economic impact on both parties, is painfully obvious. Now let’s move to another perspective, and take a look at the model created by the One who thought up relationships in the first place.

God Says:

“Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” Ephesians 5:1-2

First, there’s a command.

Be imitators of God. What does this look like? For a more detailed picture, let’s start a few verses back, at chapter 4:31-32. Here we have instructions for putting on a new life in Christ as we relate to others. Get rid of attitudes that tear down and hurt, Paul says. Treat each other as God treated you when He extended His endless supply of grace and forgiveness to you, even at great cost to himself.

Is the focus here on finding the right person? Is it about moulding someone else into the person you want them to be? No.

The Key to a Right Relationship is Not Finding the Right Person, But Becoming the Right Person.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, in their book, Relationships, outline what they call “The Compulsion for Completion.”

“If you attempt to build intimacy with another person before you’ve done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the wholeness that you lack and end in disaster.” (Relationships, p. 20)

In other words, if our identity is not secure in Christ, if we are still looking to others to make us feel secure, complete or “okay,” our relationships will never be healthy and strong. This is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to understand. Contrary to the pop philosophy of Jerry McGuire, the most romantic thing you can say to someone is not “you complete me.” If you must be completed by another person, you will find that whatever they have to give you will never be enough. Only God, through His Son and through the Holy Spirit, can provide what each of us need to be complete. When we are whole and secure in Him, then we can approach a relationship in a healthy way.

Next comes the command for how we are to relate to one another.

Walk in love. Notice Paul doesn’t say, “fall in love.” He’s talking about an intentional, sacrificial love that wills and acts what is best for its object.

God’s way is very hard, but it’s very effective. He tells us to:

1. Become the right person (mimic God)

2. Walk in love

3. Fix your hope on God and seek to please Him through this relationship.

4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.

Failure will occur. When it does, the question must be: “Am I being who I should be? Am I walking in love?” It’s not time to give up; it’s time to go back to square one.

Here is a crucial point. The goal of relationships is not fulfilment and self-actualisation. It’s not about discovering yourself, filling your need, meeting your desire. The goal of relationships is to please God. Right relationship with Him is food for our soul, and wherever else we will search, we will ultimately find that nothing else satisfies. The beautiful by-product, when we are pleasing him in our horizontal relationships, will be deeper intimacy than you ever imagined.

You don’t have to be a statistic. You don’t have to be afraid to make a commitment. There is a supernatural way to do relationships that will leave a legacy of faith. The price tag is too high, the risk too great, to do it Hollywood’s way.

This message is from Chip Ingram.

Discover what the Bible says about this emotionally charged subject, from the very definition of love to a revelation of the empty lies that devastate marriages and inundate our culture. Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships is a five-part course, taught by Chip Ingram. Despite the myths commonly believed by today’s culture, there is a better way to find love, stay in love and grow in intimacy for a lifetime. For more on how to purchase this course, contact Walk Thru the Bible on 011-782-4222 or email info@wtb.co.za to place your order. To purchase online CLICK HERE.

Silver Ring Thing - creating a culture shift

The f-word

So if you really want to live in a way that’s 180 degrees different than the rest of the world, how do you walk this our in your relationships? How do you honour God while keeping your heart and hormones in check?

How do you not only think differently about sex and attract the opposite sex differently – how do you also relate to the opposite sex differently?

Here’s how most Christians do it.

Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. They go out. Have a great time. Go out again. Become a couple.

And here’s where things start getting really weird. They start treating each other differently. The friendship dies down. They start acting like they think a couple should act – and they take their cues no longer from their faith but from our culture. What does this look like?

They put all their friendships on hold and become the center of each other’s worlds. They go out on youth group trips but are oblivious of anyone else. Church, Bible studies and youth group become just another way they can see each other during the week. They feel like they need to hold hands, kiss, make out – because that’s what couples do right? And the physical suddenly becomes a big deal between two people who previously enjoyed just hanging out.

It’s like suddenly all the things they knew about being a good friend, about being a brother and sister in Christ, about encouraging the other person to grow – things that are part of their ‘regular’ friendship in youth group or at school – don’t apply any more.

Wrong, they still do.

In fact, they’re even more important now because when you continue to relate in those ways, your relationship looks very different than the way most people come together. And when you break up, the relationship also looks a lot different.

Different is good.

Start out as friends. This shouldn’t be at all hard for some of you because a lot of people hang out with their friends anyway. Some people don’t even date, they just go out with friends. But we’re talking about real friends, the kind of friendships that impact your life in a huge way. And before we move on, some of you are going to have to get past the f-word.

“Friends? You’ve got to be kidding!” Some of you may be thinking, “That’s not very romantic.” A lot of guys hate to hear the f-word, especially when it’s thrown at them like this from an object of their affection: “I just want to be friends.” The reason is it’s often a cop-out. It’s the nice way of saying, “I’m really not interested in you.” And if you’re romantically interested in someone then the f-word is like a dagger in your heart.

If the whole “friends” thing sounds too boring for your romantic dreams, you may be suffering from what we call “the Bachelor/Bachelorette Syndrome.”

Find out if you’re a sufferer of this syndrome in our next edition and learn how to overcome the fear of the f-word!

Taken from Sex 180, by Tim Walker and Chip Ingram. [ISBN 0-8010-4529-0]

Silver Ring Thing - creating a culture shift

Hear that? It’s the sound of people’s souls rumbling – they’re starving for relationships. It’s how we’re wired. Whether we want to admit it or not, we want to connect with another person in some kind of relationship – a friend, a date, a spouse. We want to meet someone who understands us and cares. Why do you think we go to chick flicks (and yes, guys even tolerate a few of them)? We love the stories. We love the connection. We want to see two people together happily ever after (or at least till the end of the movie). Why? Because we don’t want to be alone.

We all want to do relationships right. We all want the dream of finding someone to be ‘the love of our life.’ But just walk around at your school and see the drama unfold as people use people and then get discarded to the side – the way we’re doing it now isn’t working.

You want more than that. You want to do relationships right, in a way that’s 180 degrees different than the way most people in the movies, in music, and on your school grounds are relating to one another. You want to find a way to get to know someone that’s in line with the 180 God’s doing in your life. You want to bring what God’s done in your heart into what happens when you’re with someone of the opposite sex – a way that keeps your heart and mind in check.

But before you can live out this 180, you have to grasp an important element of sex: sex is selfless. What you think about sex and how you live it out isn’t just about you. That’s a real 180 from the way the rest of our culture does sex. In movies, music, TV shows or just the couples or hookups you see in your school, it’s all about what another person can do for you – how they can make you feel or what they can do to bring you pleasure.

There’s a better way to do relationships than the fairy tales the rest of the world is trying to live out. But sex isn’t just a personal issue or a personal choice – it’s not that simple. How you view sex and sexuality impacts others. It’s not just your body and your decision. When you start interacting with someone else, you’re responsible for both your actions and theirs.

First Thessalonians 4: 3 – 7 says:

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.

Reread verse 6: ‘No one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.’ Even if the other person is a willing participant in a sexual act, there’s some part of it that both people have to own up to. For example if you know someone’s weakness and take advantage of it, you’re arousing desires in that person solely for your own personal gain. Guys use it to get girls to give them oral sex. They see a girl who’s insecure and is afraid of losing the relationship, so they figure if they can’t pressure her to go all the way, they can at least make sure they get something from her.

Girls work it too – getting their needs met by taking advantage of how guys are wired visually by dressing in ways that make sure they are not only noticed but desired.

Wouldn’t you like to live in a way that’s 180 degrees different than the rest of the world, how do you walk this out in your relationships. Spent time pondering the words in 1 Thessalonians 4: 3 – 7, make the quality decision to live and do relationships God’s way.

In the next edition we will look at how we can honour God in our dating relationships, while keeping our hearts and hormones in check!

Taken from Sex 180, by Tim Walker and Chip Ingram. [ISBN 0-8010-4529-0]

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